"And would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagine me to be?
Would your arms be open
Or would you run away?
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?"-- Casting Crowns, 'Stained Glass Masquerade'
One of the bad things about being at a Christian university is that you begin to see how messed up you really are.
Now people may judge me for this, but I've been to church probably 3 dozen times in the past 13 years. My family just doesn't do church. Until I was about 15 we read the Bible together every day, but eventually we stopped doing that. So my church experience is very, very limited. I've been content with that, and I didn't know why.
So last week at orientation we had chapel, and in that meeting I began to notice something about myself that has been confirmed time after time, in chapel twice and in the church I went to today. It explains why I've been content to be an unchurched Christian all these years. And that is, I'm almost ashamed to admit--
I'm afraid to worship.
Afraid. To worship.
Worship chips at my barriers. I've got these walls inside, blocking my heart in and keeping all the pain and the tears inside where nobody will ever see. Once in awhile, a weak point in the wall allows something to leak out, like in this post, but in minutes I'm right there with the cement, patching up the crack. But once I step foot into a worship service, it's like God takes a pick and starts hammering at my wall, taking chunks away, trying to reach me but at the same time exposing my hurt. So I draw back. I want to let him in... oh, how I want to let him in. But I've got people around me. I can't curl up on the floor and sob and sob, like I want to. I can't even let a tear out, because then they'll see how broken I am. So I slap on another coat of cement and think about anything and everything but how much He loves me, because if I think about it too much my walls will shatter. And I don't know that even I want to see what's inside there.
Showing posts with label angst. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angst. Show all posts
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A More Beautiful You
"There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you"
~ 'More Beautiful You' by Jonny Diaz
I admit it; lately, I've been struggling. Without school to keep my mind busy, I have to focus on everything I was avoiding while school was in. The uncertainty, the dread, the anticipation, the fear, the excitement, the guilt... all the big, confusing emotions I've been pushing down inside. I've been refusing to think about them because to think about them would be to acknowledge them, and to acknowledge them would be overwhelming.
My heart and mind are like a TV channel consisting only of static. So many little things, all jumping around at once to the fuzzy hiss of the confused signal. I'm so desperately searching for clarity, but all I get from staring at that fuzzy, noisy mess is a headache. What am I supposed to do?
I suppose I already know what's going to happen. My life for the next three months is completely planned out. There's clarity there, just like there's clarity at the plastic frame of the television set. But inside is where it's all messed up. I want to cry and laugh and sit somber and be busy all at the same time.
So I'm going to be honest, here. I have to know how I feel about things, and I figure there's no better way to get it out than to write and see it down in black and white.
\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
The first thing I'm losing is my job. I'm not too sorry about that; it's humiliating and I'm always so ashamed to admit what I do. It's lamer than a job at McDonald's, and that's saying something. I am grateful to have a job at all, and I'm grateful that it's a better environment than my last job, but I will literally wave goodbye to that post, turn my back, drive away, and never once look back.
T minus 12 days.
\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
The second thing I'm losing is Explorers, and I am devastated. The last true meeting is on the 25th, only 5 days away, but since we have two State competitions, a banquet, and National Academy through the end of July, I cannot say I am losing it so soon. In fact, I will remain a member of my post until my 21st birthday. I'm holding on as long as I legally can, but once I am cut off... I can't think about it right now. My eyelashes are brushing the tears onto the inside of my glasses and if I keep this up, I'll have to get up and clean them.
T minus 5 days (meetings) ... or 40 days (State and banquet) ... or 65 days (National Academy) ... or 77 days (my birthday).
\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
The third thing I am losing is my life as I know it. My room that I've had for 7 years and completely redesigned with my first two paychecks from this latest job is being turned into a storage room. I'm going to be without my parents for more than a week for the first time in my life. My twin brother and I are almost one person, and I will never get to see him. I will have to live with four complete strangers on a campus of strangers (and I don't do strangers well). I will be getting myself into massive amounts of debt, when all my life I've striven to keep myself out of debt. This is where most of my confusion comes from. I'm terrified and thrilled all at once. I want to cry and yet I'm looking forward to it.
T minus about 92 days.
\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
Now to all this add all the bad news I've been getting lately and the guilt I'm carrying over several things, and you have one, big giant mess (that looks much worse from the inside looking out than it does from the outside looking in, I'm sure).
But in the midst of all this, there's hope, showing even through the tiniest things. It's like this one, shining beacon that promises, "just reach me, and everything will be okay." I think that's why I've been crying this week when I hear the song I quoted at the beginning of the post. It's that bit of reassurance, that bit of confidence that everything will turn out right. It may be hard, it may be heartbreaking, but there's something I and I alone was made for, and you know what? I am beautiful, and I am strong, and no matter what happens... first of all, I don't have to answer to this world, and second, I am being shaped into what I am supposed to be.
I was made to fill a purpose that only I could do, so there could never be a more beautiful me.
If I could just remember that...
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you"
~ 'More Beautiful You' by Jonny Diaz
I admit it; lately, I've been struggling. Without school to keep my mind busy, I have to focus on everything I was avoiding while school was in. The uncertainty, the dread, the anticipation, the fear, the excitement, the guilt... all the big, confusing emotions I've been pushing down inside. I've been refusing to think about them because to think about them would be to acknowledge them, and to acknowledge them would be overwhelming.
My heart and mind are like a TV channel consisting only of static. So many little things, all jumping around at once to the fuzzy hiss of the confused signal. I'm so desperately searching for clarity, but all I get from staring at that fuzzy, noisy mess is a headache. What am I supposed to do?
I suppose I already know what's going to happen. My life for the next three months is completely planned out. There's clarity there, just like there's clarity at the plastic frame of the television set. But inside is where it's all messed up. I want to cry and laugh and sit somber and be busy all at the same time.
So I'm going to be honest, here. I have to know how I feel about things, and I figure there's no better way to get it out than to write and see it down in black and white.
\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
The first thing I'm losing is my job. I'm not too sorry about that; it's humiliating and I'm always so ashamed to admit what I do. It's lamer than a job at McDonald's, and that's saying something. I am grateful to have a job at all, and I'm grateful that it's a better environment than my last job, but I will literally wave goodbye to that post, turn my back, drive away, and never once look back.
T minus 12 days.
\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
The second thing I'm losing is Explorers, and I am devastated. The last true meeting is on the 25th, only 5 days away, but since we have two State competitions, a banquet, and National Academy through the end of July, I cannot say I am losing it so soon. In fact, I will remain a member of my post until my 21st birthday. I'm holding on as long as I legally can, but once I am cut off... I can't think about it right now. My eyelashes are brushing the tears onto the inside of my glasses and if I keep this up, I'll have to get up and clean them.
T minus 5 days (meetings) ... or 40 days (State and banquet) ... or 65 days (National Academy) ... or 77 days (my birthday).
\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
The third thing I am losing is my life as I know it. My room that I've had for 7 years and completely redesigned with my first two paychecks from this latest job is being turned into a storage room. I'm going to be without my parents for more than a week for the first time in my life. My twin brother and I are almost one person, and I will never get to see him. I will have to live with four complete strangers on a campus of strangers (and I don't do strangers well). I will be getting myself into massive amounts of debt, when all my life I've striven to keep myself out of debt. This is where most of my confusion comes from. I'm terrified and thrilled all at once. I want to cry and yet I'm looking forward to it.
T minus about 92 days.
\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
Now to all this add all the bad news I've been getting lately and the guilt I'm carrying over several things, and you have one, big giant mess (that looks much worse from the inside looking out than it does from the outside looking in, I'm sure).
But in the midst of all this, there's hope, showing even through the tiniest things. It's like this one, shining beacon that promises, "just reach me, and everything will be okay." I think that's why I've been crying this week when I hear the song I quoted at the beginning of the post. It's that bit of reassurance, that bit of confidence that everything will turn out right. It may be hard, it may be heartbreaking, but there's something I and I alone was made for, and you know what? I am beautiful, and I am strong, and no matter what happens... first of all, I don't have to answer to this world, and second, I am being shaped into what I am supposed to be.
I was made to fill a purpose that only I could do, so there could never be a more beautiful me.
If I could just remember that...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Where two or three
My life right now can be reduced down to twos and threes.
In two weeks from tonight, is my last Explorer meeting. Ever.
In three weeks from tonight, I will no longer have a job.
Two weeks from my last Explorer meeting, we head off for a week at State competition.
Two weeks after that, we head off to another State competition for a week.
Two days after we return, our yearly Explorer award banquet will be held, the last time I'll get to see any of the people I call my friends.
Two weeks after that, I head to Washington, DC for a week at the National Secret Service Academy.
Two weeks after that, my twin brother and I turn 21.
Three weeks after my 21st birthday, I'm moving away to college.
Twos and threes. And I'm 1, caught in the middle. I can't decide whether to laugh or sob uncontrollably, whether to be excited or terrified. All I know is that the ski jump is coming up fast, and I can't stop and I can't turn away. I'll just have to close my eyes, scream my head off, and jump. As to what I find when I land...
1+2+3 = me.
In two weeks from tonight, is my last Explorer meeting. Ever.
In three weeks from tonight, I will no longer have a job.
Two weeks from my last Explorer meeting, we head off for a week at State competition.
Two weeks after that, we head off to another State competition for a week.
Two days after we return, our yearly Explorer award banquet will be held, the last time I'll get to see any of the people I call my friends.
Two weeks after that, I head to Washington, DC for a week at the National Secret Service Academy.
Two weeks after that, my twin brother and I turn 21.
Three weeks after my 21st birthday, I'm moving away to college.
Twos and threes. And I'm 1, caught in the middle. I can't decide whether to laugh or sob uncontrollably, whether to be excited or terrified. All I know is that the ski jump is coming up fast, and I can't stop and I can't turn away. I'll just have to close my eyes, scream my head off, and jump. As to what I find when I land...
1+2+3 = me.
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