A More Beautiful You

"There could never be a more beautiful you

Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you"

~ 'More Beautiful You' by Jonny Diaz



I admit it; lately, I've been struggling. Without school to keep my mind busy, I have to focus on everything I was avoiding while school was in. The uncertainty, the dread, the anticipation, the fear, the excitement, the guilt... all the big, confusing emotions I've been pushing down inside. I've been refusing to think about them because to think about them would be to acknowledge them, and to acknowledge them would be overwhelming.

My heart and mind are like a TV channel consisting only of static. So many little things, all jumping around at once to the fuzzy hiss of the confused signal. I'm so desperately searching for clarity, but all I get from staring at that fuzzy, noisy mess is a headache. What am I supposed to do?

I suppose I already know what's going to happen. My life for the next three months is completely planned out. There's clarity there, just like there's clarity at the plastic frame of the television set. But inside is where it's all messed up. I want to cry and laugh and sit somber and be busy all at the same time.

So I'm going to be honest, here. I have to know how I feel about things, and I figure there's no better way to get it out than to write and see it down in black and white.

\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-

The first thing I'm losing is my job. I'm not too sorry about that; it's humiliating and I'm always so ashamed to admit what I do. It's lamer than a job at McDonald's, and that's saying something. I am grateful to have a job at all, and I'm grateful that it's a better environment than my last job, but I will literally wave goodbye to that post, turn my back, drive away, and never once look back.

T minus 12 days.

\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-

The second thing I'm losing is Explorers, and I am devastated. The last true meeting is on the 25th, only 5 days away, but since we have two State competitions, a banquet, and National Academy through the end of July, I cannot say I am losing it so soon. In fact, I will remain a member of my post until my 21st birthday. I'm holding on as long as I legally can, but once I am cut off... I can't think about it right now. My eyelashes are brushing the tears onto the inside of my glasses and if I keep this up, I'll have to get up and clean them.

T minus 5 days (meetings) ... or 40 days (State and banquet) ... or 65 days (National Academy) ... or 77 days (my birthday).

\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-

The third thing I am losing is my life as I know it. My room that I've had for 7 years and completely redesigned with my first two paychecks from this latest job is being turned into a storage room. I'm going to be without my parents for more than a week for the first time in my life. My twin brother and I are almost one person, and I will never get to see him. I will have to live with four complete strangers on a campus of strangers (and I don't do strangers well). I will be getting myself into massive amounts of debt, when all my life I've striven to keep myself out of debt. This is where most of my confusion comes from. I'm terrified and thrilled all at once. I want to cry and yet I'm looking forward to it.

T minus about 92 days.

\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-

Now to all this add all the bad news I've been getting lately and the guilt I'm carrying over several things, and you have one, big giant mess (that looks much worse from the inside looking out than it does from the outside looking in, I'm sure).


But in the midst of all this, there's hope, showing even through the tiniest things. It's like this one, shining beacon that promises, "just reach me, and everything will be okay." I think that's why I've been crying this week when I hear the song I quoted at the beginning of the post. It's that bit of reassurance, that bit of confidence that everything will turn out right. It may be hard, it may be heartbreaking, but there's something I and I alone was made for, and you know what? I am beautiful, and I am strong, and no matter what happens... first of all, I don't have to answer to this world, and second, I am being shaped into what I am supposed to be.

I was made to fill a purpose that only I could do, so there could never be a more beautiful me.

If I could just remember that...