The Trouble With Resolutions

I just looked back on this blog for a class assignment and noticed that it has been nearly a year to the day since I last posted an entry.

How sad.

Last year, I resolved to write a little bit every day. I'm going to be a writer someday, so I have to write. I tried blogging, I tried little bits and pieces here and there, but a dusty old blog is evidence of just how difficult it is to keep to the plan.

Thing is, I'm terrible at commitment. I can commit to something for weeks or months, but eventually, I slip. Then I feel guilty for slipping, so I slip even further, and eventually I'm right back where I started, or worse. It doesn't help that I'm in my senior year or that I'd much rather focus on my boyfriend than on pretty much anything else right now. Is it temptation? It can hardly be coincidence that as soon as I start following the path I am certain God has for me, that everything I ever wanted just falls into my lap, can it? It must be a test of some sort or Satan trying to reshift my priorities... mustn't it?

Or maybe Satan's part in all of this is just the guilt-tripping. Make me feel trashy enough, and I'll be right where he wants me. He knows all the buttons to press in what order to have me right in the middle of self-loathing and discontentment, even though I have more than I could have ever hoped for-- a job, the opportunity to study at an amazing university, a boyfriend who is even better than I ever dared dream, and friends that totally 'get' me even though they're scattered all over the country. He plays me like a video game, and that is not okay.

So am I going to still feel guilty? Yes. Will I still slip up? Yes. Will I keep up with my Bible reading and my writing and turn all my assignments in early and go to the gym at least 3 times a week? Umm, no. But will I still be loved by my Creator and by those I care about, even if I fail? Yes. Failure is an event, not a person, and this year, I resolve not to resolve. I want to take life as God gives it to me, break free of the controller, and leave the guilt behind. And even though I can't do it alone, I know that God can do it with me.